Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In the world where the idea of ‘surprise’ usually involves an over-excited group of friends jumping out behind furniture, Israel has seemingly decided that the Pentagon’s definition required a bit more firepower. In what could easily have been mistaken for an elaborate game of Battleship gone awry, U.S. military heads found themselves the last to RSVP to Israel’s latest shindig in Syria, where ‘bringing down the house’ was less about sick beats and more about actual demolition. Let’s take a look at the recent article dissecting this spur-of-the-moment festivity, shall we?
The Breakdown
- RSVP? More like ‘Regret Saying Vaguely Possible’
- Apparently, the Israeli forces flung some missiles over at Iran-linked targets, presumably after mistyping their Google Calendar invite. The Pentagon’s mailbox was virtual tumbleweeds, leading to some serious ‘read receipt’ envy.
- Apparently, the Israeli forces flung some missiles over at Iran-linked targets, presumably after mistyping their Google Calendar invite. The Pentagon’s mailbox was virtual tumbleweeds, leading to some serious ‘read receipt’ envy.
- Surprise! Might As Well Have Been a Jack-in-the-Box
- With the explosion count churning the air above Damascus, one might think keeping it under the radar would be easier if said radar wasn’t bristling with anti-aircraft sensitivity. Let’s just say, if this were a game of Secret Santa, Israel would’ve been the one giving a live grenade as a gift.
- With the explosion count churning the air above Damascus, one might think keeping it under the radar would be easier if said radar wasn’t bristling with anti-aircraft sensitivity. Let’s just say, if this were a game of Secret Santa, Israel would’ve been the one giving a live grenade as a gift.
- What’s The Strategy? Playing ‘Whack-a-Mole’ with Missiles
- One must admire the simplicity of Israel’s strategic approach to undesirable elements in Syria: ‘If it moves, it gets a missile. If it doesn’t move, eh… it probably needs a missile anyway.’ The Pentagon, meanwhile, searches for its glasses to read the fine print of international diplomacy.
- One must admire the simplicity of Israel’s strategic approach to undesirable elements in Syria: ‘If it moves, it gets a missile. If it doesn’t move, eh… it probably needs a missile anyway.’ The Pentagon, meanwhile, searches for its glasses to read the fine print of international diplomacy.
- Coordination? I’ve Seen Toddlers Organize Better Tea Parties
- The word ‘coordination’ implies a kind of harmony, a symphony of well-timed moves. This? This is more like a one-man band falling down the stairs, hitting every possible note on the way down.
- The word ‘coordination’ implies a kind of harmony, a symphony of well-timed moves. This? This is more like a one-man band falling down the stairs, hitting every possible note on the way down.
- Heads-Up Would’ve Been Nice… Like A Heads-Up Penny
- There’s an unspoken rule in geopolitics: ‘Don’t surprise your ally with military actions akin to popping a balloon behind their back.’ A pre-emptive ‘brace yourself’ would’ve been less alarming than Israel’s ‘Hey, by the way, we just started a lightshow in Damascus.’
- There’s an unspoken rule in geopolitics: ‘Don’t surprise your ally with military actions akin to popping a balloon behind their back.’ A pre-emptive ‘brace yourself’ would’ve been less alarming than Israel’s ‘Hey, by the way, we just started a lightshow in Damascus.’
The Counter
- But Surprise Parties Are Fun, Right?
- Absolutely. Especially the ones involving explosions, international tension, and a rapid realignment of defense postures. My idea of a Friday night.
- Absolutely. Especially the ones involving explosions, international tension, and a rapid realignment of defense postures. My idea of a Friday night.
- Advanced Notice is Overrated Anyway
- Who needs advanced notice when you can have confusion, back-pedaling diplomats, and a long list of hurried phone calls instead? Nothing quite says ‘effective military alliance’ like a good, ol’ fashioned game of Guess Who’s Bombing Now?
- Who needs advanced notice when you can have confusion, back-pedaling diplomats, and a long list of hurried phone calls instead? Nothing quite says ‘effective military alliance’ like a good, ol’ fashioned game of Guess Who’s Bombing Now?
- Synchronized Swimming is So Last Season
- Military coordination? Pssh. That’s for sports that don’t involve high explosives. Israel’s solo dive into the pool of international conflict had all the grace of a belly flop – spectacular, but you might want to avert your eyes.
- Military coordination? Pssh. That’s for sports that don’t involve high explosives. Israel’s solo dive into the pool of international conflict had all the grace of a belly flop – spectacular, but you might want to avert your eyes.
- Name a More Iconic Duo Than Israel and Unilateral Decisions
- I’ll wait. It’s like peanut butter decided it was just fine without jelly. Or, in this case, like military action deciding it doesn’t need strategy consensus. Who knew?
- I’ll wait. It’s like peanut butter decided it was just fine without jelly. Or, in this case, like military action deciding it doesn’t need strategy consensus. Who knew?
- It’s Always Calmest Before the Storm
- And what a serene bit of calm it must have been at the Pentagon, right up until the storm carried the delightful ring of ‘Israel did WHAT now?’ Peace and quiet have never been so overrated.
- And what a serene bit of calm it must have been at the Pentagon, right up until the storm carried the delightful ring of ‘Israel did WHAT now?’ Peace and quiet have never been so overrated.
The Hot Take
In the grand tradition of love letters that are never meant to be sent, Israeli military policy towards Syria might benefit from the liberal use of a draft folder. But as laughter is the best medicine (or, in this case, perhaps the only medicine that doesn’t involve a call to arms), let’s take a joyous look at fixing the issue at hand.
First, we could issue everyone at the Pentagon their own personal ‘Missile Minder™’—think Furby meets NORAD. Next, consider a new line of greeting cards: ‘Sorry for Bombing Your General Proximity Without Warning.’ It’s all about the personal touch, folks.
We should infuse this giddy mix of military strategy with the wholesome energy of a game show. ‘Wheel of Allies’ perhaps? Spin the wheel, call a friend, and phone-a-buddy before the fireworks start. Never has the phrase “communication is key” been more explosively underlined.
Source: Pentagon frustrated by lack of notice from Israel in Syria strike
