Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
In a justice system more twisted than a pretzel at a contortionist convention, we’ve just seated a jury for Donald Trump’s criminal trial. Dive into the drama as we dissect the hearty stew of potential biases and courtroom charades, because when it comes to Trump and trials, who needs reality TV?
The Breakdown
- The ‘I don’t see color’ Enthusiast
- Apparently, this juror lives in a magical land where color doesn’t exist, along with facts, logic, and the concept of climate change. They claim to judge the case solely on a black-and-white scale – presumably while riding their unicorn to court each morning.
- Apparently, this juror lives in a magical land where color doesn’t exist, along with facts, logic, and the concept of climate change. They claim to judge the case solely on a black-and-white scale – presumably while riding their unicorn to court each morning.
- The Armchair Economist
- This one read half of an economics blog once and now feels qualified to discuss the financial implications of a presidential trial with the same conviction someone might reserve for explaining why water is wet.
- This one read half of an economics blog once and now feels qualified to discuss the financial implications of a presidential trial with the same conviction someone might reserve for explaining why water is wet.
- The Reality Show Reject
- Rejected from ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘Survivor’, this juror is just looking for their fifteen minutes of jury box fame. Expect explosive revelations during cross-examination that rival the season-ending cliffhangers of your favorite TV series.
- Rejected from ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘Survivor’, this juror is just looking for their fifteen minutes of jury box fame. Expect explosive revelations during cross-examination that rival the season-ending cliffhangers of your favorite TV series.
- The Conspiracy Connoisseur
- Convinced that Bigfoot is the hidden key witness, this juror spends coffee breaks mining QAnon forums for case ‘insights’. They will vote not guilty based on lack of evidence – or because aliens telepathically told them so.
- Convinced that Bigfoot is the hidden key witness, this juror spends coffee breaks mining QAnon forums for case ‘insights’. They will vote not guilty based on lack of evidence – or because aliens telepathically told them so.
- The Social Media Influencer
- With one eye on their Twitter feed and the other on their YouTube subscriber count, this juror is less concerned with the trial’s outcome and more with how their courthouse OOTD is trending.
- With one eye on their Twitter feed and the other on their YouTube subscriber count, this juror is less concerned with the trial’s outcome and more with how their courthouse OOTD is trending.
The Counter
- Fifty Shades of Not Grey
- They say a good jury resembles a bag of licorice allsorts – fun to pick apart. Sadly, in this trial, we’re stuck with a jury box filled with artificial flavors that leave a bittersweet aftertaste of doubt.
- They say a good jury resembles a bag of licorice allsorts – fun to pick apart. Sadly, in this trial, we’re stuck with a jury box filled with artificial flavors that leave a bittersweet aftertaste of doubt.
- The Accidental Stockbroker
- Just because someone fancies themselves a Wall Street wolf after watching a few finance tickers, doesn’t mean they’re ready to navigate the complexities of hedge funds, much less a high-profile corruption case.
- Just because someone fancies themselves a Wall Street wolf after watching a few finance tickers, doesn’t mean they’re ready to navigate the complexities of hedge funds, much less a high-profile corruption case.
- The Wannabe Warhol
- It’s all fun and games until someone takes their 15 minutes way too seriously. In their mind, the courtroom is another studio where dramas are painted with broad strokes of narcissism.
- It’s all fun and games until someone takes their 15 minutes way too seriously. In their mind, the courtroom is another studio where dramas are painted with broad strokes of narcissism.
- The ‘Tinfoil Hat’ Tailor
- The truth isn’t out there – it’s supposed to be in the courtroom. But for this juror, it’s buried under a mountain of conspiracy theories, making digging for the facts akin to an archaeological expedition.
- The truth isn’t out there – it’s supposed to be in the courtroom. But for this juror, it’s buried under a mountain of conspiracy theories, making digging for the facts akin to an archaeological expedition.
- The Hashtag Hero
- Sure, trending is important – if you’re a GIF. In the solemnity of court proceedings, maybe it’s better to swap the selfie stick for a little thing called civic duty. Just a thought.
- Sure, trending is important – if you’re a GIF. In the solemnity of court proceedings, maybe it’s better to swap the selfie stick for a little thing called civic duty. Just a thought.
The Hot Take
Let’s take a hot air balloon ride above this circus act and peek at the liberal blueprints to solve the problem: Encourage educated, informed citizens to line up for jury duty like it’s the first day of a Supreme Court garage sale. Get a real mix of thinkers, professionals, and people who understand the earth isn’t flat, unlike the archaic belief systems apparently guiding our current jurors.
The court of public opinion is now in session, and the verdict is that we need a fair trial more than we need another trending hashtag. Let’s make jury selection less like a talk show casting call and more about the scales of justice. Otherwise, we’re just setting up another season of America’s Next Top Justice System Failure – and folks, that show has been on for way too long.
Source: What we know about the jurors seated on Donald Trump’s criminal trial
