Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
Source: Why Some Insiders Fear This Is the Year North Korea Will Fire Nukes
The Details
Oh joy, if there’s one thing that gets my comedic juices flowing more than a three-martini lunch with Beelzebub, it’s the ever-so-sunny news about North Korea and their passion for nuclear fireworks. Just when you thought 2020 was the “hold my beer” year, we’ve got North Korea apparently sliding their hand up the ‘Let’s Scare The Bejesus Out Of The Planet’ lever. The Daily Beast spoke to some insiders (who, for all we know, could just be three guys and a Ouija board in a Pentagon broom closet) and they’ve all got the heebie-jeebies that this could be the year North Korea goes full-on movie villain and launches Mr. Nuke on a world tour.
Tongue-in-Cheek Bullet Breakdown
- I Spy with My Little Eye, a Missile: Apparently, North Korea’s been tossing missiles into the air as if they were trying to knock out satellites to cancel Netflix across the globe.
- Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boom: The grand poobah, Kim Jong-un, must be thinking Disneyland fireworks are too passé, hence the need for real-life reenactments of mushroom clouds.
- Diplomatic Pillow Fights: Diplomacy is so 2018. Who needs peaceful talks when you can E-mail challenges at the stroke of midnight, right? Do they use Comic Sans, though?
- Nuance is for Ninnies: Who cares about the subtle intricacies of geopolitical strategy when you can sum it up in 140 characters or less?
- More Arms Than an Octopus: Kim’s got a hoarding problem, it seems. But instead of newspapers and old TV guides, it’s nukes. Marie Kondo would be horrified.
Sarcastically Speaking: Counterpoints for Balance
- Let’s Play Pretend: Maybe North Korea is just misunderstood, you know? Perhaps this is a desperate call for attention, like a toddler with hand grenades.
- Nukes as a Service (NaaS): Maybe Kim’s looking to pivot from dictatorship to tech startup. Subscription-based nuking services – you heard it here first!
- UN’s ‘Seen-It-All’ Expression: The UN’s condemning stare is so withering, it could strip paint. Surely that’ll deter any nuke enthusiast.
- Cupid’s Arrow… I Mean Missile: North Korea is just trying to spread love, folks. That ballistic missile? It’s cupid’s new, improved, and slightly more lethal arrow.
- Homebrewed Apocalypse: Come on, who doesn’t appreciate a bit of DIY? A self-made nuclear crisis is so much more authentic.
The Hot Take
In a world gone madder than a sack full of ferrets, the North Korean Nuke Nudge seems to be just another reality show nobody subscribed to but everyone can’t stop watching. Now, if I had the magic wand (and heaven forbid the dry cleaning bill that comes with being a world leader), I’d suggest more slapstick, less nukes. You know, replace those pesky warheads with cream pies. Free Wi-Fi with every disarmament. How about dropping USBs of ‘The Interview’ into Pyongyang via drone? Now that’s a cultural exchange program! At the end of the day, this is what happens when global diplomacy takes the backseat on the bus to Crazy Town – someone else starts driving, and they’ve never even passed Driver’s Ed.
