Supreme Court’s Newest Reality Show: So You Think You Can Delay Justice?

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

The Details

Let’s get down to the delightful intricacies of how the Supreme Court, with all the wisdom of a collective of ancient sages – or at least that’s how they’d like us to think of them – decided to take a gander at ol’ Trump’s immunity claim. Now, you might think that giving the former Commander-in-Chief more time to play golf is like giving Dracula a blood bank franchise, but hey, who am I to judge the legal wisdom of the ages? This decision has all the makings of a Kafkaesque bureaucracy meets a Chevy Chase slapstick comedy. The former Prez has thrown the judicial equivalent of a Hail Mary, and the Supreme Court must think this is one game worth dragging out – because, in America, justice delayed is… well, a day that ends in ‘y’.

The Breakdown

• Infinite Infinite Jest
  • Who needs David Foster Wallace when you have the Supreme Court turning legal proceedings into an ever-expanding joke? It’s like they’re doing a worldwide book tour on how to maximize dramatic tension and minimize accountability.
• The Art of the Deal Meets the Art of War
  • Sun Tzu would be proud, and Trump’s book sales might just go up as he practices the ancient art of winning by not actually fighting. Strategy? Delay, delay and, when in doubt, throw in another delay.
• The ‘Not Above the Law, Just Before It’ Principle
  • Apparently, the Supreme Court is keen on playing that nostalgic game we all loved as kids, ‘The Floor is Lava’. Except in this version, Trump is playing hot potato with the Constitution, and frankly, he’s been juggling that spud for an impressive stretch now.
• ‘When I Said Immediately, I Meant Not So Immediately’
  • Who would’ve thought that “immediately” is such a relative term in the judicial world? I guess we’ll all meet up “immediately” at the Twelfth of Never.
• Supreme Court or Supreme Comedians?
  • The justices must be closet stand-up comedians, because every move is so calculated it could only be designed for maximum punchline impact. Watch out, it’s only a matter of time before they take my job.

The Counter

• Justice at the Speed of a Sloth on Sleeping Pills
  • I mean, if the wheels of justice turned any slower, we’d have to water them – because they’d be actual moss.
• Total Transparency (as clear as mud)
  • You’ve got to hand it to them; their ability to mystify with legal jargon is on par with a magician pulling a rabbit out of a flaming hat… inside a locked chest… at the bottom of the ocean.
• ‘Supreme’ Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
  • Or in a hurry, or wrong, or really anything that doesn’t suit the narrative. The robe does make the man, or in this case, the court!
• Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200
  • But feel free to circle the board as many times as you’d like, provided you’ve got the litigation funds and an army of lawyers trained in the art of the loophole limbo dance.
• Fiscal Responsibility in the Court
  • Because whoever thinks legal battles should be quick and cheap has never enjoyed the premium, platinum experience of Supreme Court litigation. It’s the Rolls Royce of legal delays!

The Hot Take

Ah, what a spicy meatball of a problem we’ve got on our hands. If you thought the answer was simple, then, my friend, you haven’t been paying attention to the circus. To fix this merry-go-round of judicial jestering, we need to go full-blown liberal arts college style and completely reimagine the notion of justice. Let’s start issuing delay fines, payable directly to the people for every day without a decision – because, if the court is about to turn into a money pit, everyone should get a little slice of the pie. And while we’re in fantasyland, let’s appoint judges based on how quickly they promise to do their jobs – like delivery pizza guarantees, but for justice. And, if all else fails, maybe it’s time to remind everyone involved that their job title isn’t Supreme Delay Strategist, but yeah, that might be asking for a bit much.

Source: In Taking Up Trump’s Immunity Claim, Supreme Court Bolstered His Delay Strategy