How the West Was Won ‘Over by Bureaucrats’ One Glass at a Time

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Oh, gather ’round my parched politicos and environmentally exhausted earthlings, we’re diving headlong into the see-saw courtroom battle where our dear western states decided to pick a water fight with the Biden administration, all under the gavel-gazing eyes of the Supreme Court justices. As everyone knows, when states and feds throw down in the judicial saloon, it’s less about who draws the fastest and more about who has the longest bureaucratic breath. But here’s your chaser— it’s over water rights, the stuff that’s supposed to be free but somehow always ends up costing somebody, somewhere, a whole lot of something.

The Breakdown

• “Just Add Water (Rights), Stir, and Voilà: Instant Mess!”
  • First up, let’s all marvel at the astonishing reality that entities designed to serve the public have enough spare time to engage in a cross-state spat over something we all learned in Kindergarten is best shared. Apparently, sharing is overrated when legalities enter the sandbox.
    
    
• “Western Duel: This Time, It’s Aquatic”
  • Picture this: Western states enterprise, strutting into court with spurs jingling, ready to protect their liquid gold from the environmental desperadoes. It’s like watching a rerun of your favorite spaghetti western, but with less gunslinging and more paperslinging.
    
    
• “Biden Administration – Dampening Spirits, or Just Making Waves?”
  • Ah, the Feds, always keen to splash around with policies and regulations, are now in a splash fight over who gets to control the tap. It’s like the government version of deciding who holds the hose on a hot summer day, except nobody gets to run through the sprinklers after.
    
    
• “Not A Drop To Drink, But Plenty To Litigate”
  • Fun fact: while the West wrestles over water rights, most folks are too busy updating their forever parched lawns with desert chic decor. Who knew cacti and gravel would be the new symbols of upstanding citizenship?
    
    
• “Supreme Court: Desert Oasis or Judicial Mirage?”
  • And there they sit, the Supreme Court justices, probably dreaming of gentle rain dances while serving as referees in this desert dust-up. If only their gavels could command the skies, we’d have this issue wrapped up quicker than you can say, “flash flood.”
    

The Counter

• “Water You Talking About? The Feds Totally Get Us!”
  • Kudos to the feds, who like that friend with all the gear and no idea, have strived to monopolize even the most fluid of assets. It’s all in the name of environmental conservation, right? So what if the West turns into a modern-day Tatooine?
    
    
• “States’ Rights: Who Needs ‘Em When You’ve Got Federal Oversight?”
  • And here we have the states—small but mighty, or so they keep telling themselves—clamoring for the right to self-sabotage. Don’t they know the Feds are the all-knowing water whisperers?
    
    
• “Environmental Concerns: They’re Just Trying to Dampen Our Spirits”
  • Those tree-hugging, animal-loving, eco-warrior types sure know how to rain on everyone’s parade, don’t they? Clearly, the best use of our remaining water supply is to uphold the sacred ritual of lawn sprinkling.
    
    
• “Who Needs Precedent When You’ve Got H2Opinions?”
  • Legal wranglings over water? Pfft. When has a little thing like historical precedence ever stopped us from a good ol’ fashioned ideological standoff?
    
    
• “Trust Us, We’re From the Government”
  • Remember, when it comes to managing natural resources, nobody does it better than the government. After all, can you really say you’ve experienced governance if you haven’t been at least once left high and dry?
    

The Hot Take

In the grand comedic tradition of solving world problems, we find the solution to our hydro woes is simple: just be endlessly funny, and eventually, the tears of laughter will resolve any and all water shortages. How about giving everyone a complimentary seltzer bottle? Sure, it’s not the same as a river, but at least it’s bubbly and brings a chuckle.

Maybe we should develop a sitcom called “The Thirsty West,” where every episode ends with a harebrained but heartfelt attempt to solve the water crisis. The recurring punchline? “Well, at least it’s a dry heat!”

So here lies the liberal laugh track-laden pathway to hydration happiness: institute a mandatory rain dance hour, subsidize the import of all large-scale ice sculptures to melt for public consumption, and swap out every capitol fountain with a communal water jug.

Because when push comes to shove, sometimes all you can do is chuckle, shake your head, and know that if you can’t beat ’em, hydrate ’em with humor.

Source: Western states square off with Biden administration over water rights before Supreme Court justices