Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Alright folks, let’s talk Hunter Biden and his so-called gun trial. That’s right, the saga of a gun, some lawyers, and a courtroom drama that’s about as exciting as watching grass grow. What’s the story here? Did he threaten someone? Hold up a liquor store? No, no, and no. This is about lying on a form to buy a gun while he was on drugs. Really America? This is what we’ve come to? We’re now scrutinizing forms filled out by people who aren’t in the best of states.
Here’s why this is absolutely bonkers. I can’t even get my uncle to remember his email password half the time, but we’re expecting someone high to fill out paperwork correctly? I mean, the DMV would be empty if that were the standard. This trial is less about justice and more about how bored we are as a nation.
So let’s dive in, shall we? Hunter Biden, while high on life—and likely other substances—fails to disclose this important detail on his 4473 form. For those who don’t know, that’s Bureaucracy Bingo for the form you fill out when you buy a firearm. The last time I filled out a form that detailed, I was selling my soul to the cable company.
Picture this: a man, high as a kite, sits down to answer complex questions under the influence. If the form had asked, “Do you believe in unicorns?” he’d probably have written “Yes, and I named mine Sparkles.” But he missed the part about mind-altering substances. And now we’re in court.
Let’s have a little fun, say, Hunter filled out a Star Wars-themed job application instead. “Do you have any experience piloting a spaceship?” “Why yes, I once flew Millennium Falcon, thanks Chewbacca!” Yeah, that makes just as much sense as the mess he’s in now.
Now, let’s not forget the lawyers. Oh, the lawyers. These are people who will argue the meaning of the word “is,” as if they’re channeling their inner Bill Clinton. Hunter Biden’s lawyers defending him in this trial must feel like they’re doing a dramatic reading of a particularly bad soap opera script. “Your Honor, my client was not of sound mind,” which, incidentally, is the third most popular phrase said at any family Thanksgiving dinner.
And can we talk about resources here? The nation’s legal eagles have gathered to debate whether or not a man on illegal substances misrepresented his cleanliness on a federal firearm purchase form. Meanwhile, somewhere in the world, a bunch of penguins are waddling and not getting the respect they deserve. No one’s putting them on trial for lying about their flight capabilities.
Oh, did Hunter’s high ink the paperwork in invisible ink? No? Then come on, people, what’s next? Are we going to start prosecuting folks for jaywalking with a limp? Or, how about we indict squirrels for tax evasion because they buried too many acorns?
Now, let’s consider what the other side’s saying. They’re arguing that Hunter Biden is being given a pass because he’s dun dun DUN the President’s son. Sounds like an episode of a TV sitcom where the kid gets a free pizza for being the principal’s nephew. The reality is, if Hunter Biden were anyone else, you know what’d happen? Jack. Absolutely jack. Guy would be at home watching daytime TV, not starring in this farce.
This trial is the courtroom equivalent of clipping your toenails during a wedding ceremony. Hey, why don’t we have a national referendum on important stuff? Like, which M&M flavor is supreme, or whether pineapple belongs on pizza? At least those debates have a resolve and affect more people.
And the media, don’t even get me started! They’re treating this courtroom drama like it’s the second coming of the O.J. trial. Every headline, every primetime slot devoted to this spectacle, meanwhile, I’m pretty sure my neighbor is a human-sized raccoon and no one’s investigating that.
Hunter Biden’s going to rest his case soon. Oh what? The defense is resting? Guess why? Because they can barely keep their eyes open from the sheer boredom of this charade. Usually, “resting your case” in a big trial means you’ve taken a last dramatic stand. Here, it feels more like you’re taking a nap at a small family gathering.
So let’s all just breathe, shall we? There are real issues out in the world—global warming, pandemics, imminent extinction of bees—but sure, this is our hill to die on. Burning fuel to follow a guy who filled out a form wrong on a Tuesday because he was in Lala Land seems like the exact sort of efficiency we need in government.
In conclusion, **let’s stop pretending this is Watergate and start treating it like it is—**a mildly amusing, dreadfully pointless exercise that should make us all question our life choices. And remember, next time you’re filling out any form, make sure to be stone-cold sober, or you might just end up the next unwitting star in America’s most boring courtroom drama.
Source: Hunter Biden’s Lawyers Are Expected to Rest Their Case in Gun Trial
