Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Folks, gather ’round. Do you enjoy watching never-ending dramas that make you question your faith in the justice system? If you do, you’re in luck because we have the Bryan Kohberger Trial that’s giving us more sequels than the Fast and Furious franchise. You remember Bryan, don’t you? The guy accused of the Idaho murders, who somehow manages to look more confused in court than I do when I try to figure out TikTok.
I mean, seriously, the justice system is already a comedy sketch, and Bryan Kohberger’s trial is just another episode in this infinite sitcom. I keep expecting the judge to pop out from behind the bench like Rod Serling and announce, “Welcome to the Twilight Zone.” And don’t even get me started on Thursday’s hearing. What are we expecting? Another drawn-out affair where the only thing we’re certain of is where our tax money is going—to feed this never-ending soap opera.
Is it just me, or is this trial giving anyone else flashbacks to the never-ending plotlines of daytime TV? It’s like watching a rerun of a rerun, except this one comes with commercials—legal arguments that are just as nonsensical as the words “jumbo shrimp.”
They say justice is blind, but in this case, justice must also be deaf, dumb, and apparently chronically late. We have a system that punishes jaywalkers more swiftly than suspected killers. And it’s not just Bryan; it’s the whole lineup of characters that make up this legal circus. Everyone from the DA with the charisma of a wet blanket to the defense attorney who perpetually looks like they haven’t had their coffee yet.
Honestly, watching this trial makes me want to commit a crime just to see if I can actually get a faster trial. I mean, by the time this thing wraps up, I’ll be retired and watching reruns of Matlock in a nursing home.
Now, some people might say, “Let’s give the system a chance.” Really? At this rate, I’m more likely to give up carbs than see this trial end. Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for due process, but this is like watching paint dry—on a wall that hasn’t even been built yet.
And here come the experts, parading like they just stepped out of a Clue board game. You’ve got Colonel Mustard in the study with a detailed forensic report, and Miss Scarlet in the ballroom with an endless supply of legal jargon. They hit you with terms that make you question if you even speak English.
Also, who thought scheduling these hearings on Thursdays was a good idea? Like, really? Just the sheer audacity of expecting people to have the energy to tune into this legal Groundhog Day before the weekend. I mean, can we not pencil this in for a Monday? Give us the weekend to recover so we can at least pretend to care when we tune in.
The media? Oh, they love a good trial. Ratings through the roof. Forget about substantive news; let’s just ride the wave of human suffering for clicks. I swear, if I had a dollar for every sheer minute they’ve spent covering this case, I’d be able to fund a decent public defender for myself—should I ever decide to commit my hypothetical crime to speed up my hypothetical trial.
What’s next? Motion to delay the trial until the cows come home? Because at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if the next headline read something like “Courtroom Pigeons Unionize; Demand Swifter Justice.”
And then there’s the courtroom sketches—my God, have you seen these? They look like someone gave a five-year-old a box of crayons and told them to “draw what you feel.” I half-expect the next sketch to include a flying unicorn and a rainbow just because the artist got bored.
But hey, it’s not all bad. At least this trial has given people a taste of what it’s like to be an actual lawyer: drown in paperwork, have endless meetings, and occasionally, just occasionally, talk about the actual case. It’s a great way to kill time—literally drag on forever—and leave people casually speculating if aliens are going to land first before we have a verdict.
So here we are, stuck in this Kafkaesque loop with Bryan Kohberger’s trial. The only thing missing is a laugh track, and maybe some popcorn. Hell, let’s add an intermission while we’re at it; we sure need one.
At the end of the day, though, you have to respect the sheer commitment to inefficiency. It takes a special kind of dedication to drag something out this long. It’s almost an art form. We should give out awards for this sort of thing: “Best Prolonged Incompetence,” “Outstanding Achievement in Wasting Everyone’s Time,” and “Lifetime Achievement in Legal Loopholes.”
So, tune in next Thursday for another gripping chapter in the Bryan Kohberger Trial, where the only thing that’s certain is uncertainty. And if you’re lucky, you might actually get to witness a plot twist that doesn’t involve another delay.
Source: Bryan Kohberger Trial Update: What to Expect During Thursday’s Hearing
