Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Let’s talk about Tom Cotton. If you haven’t heard, he’s the latest name being tossed around as a top pick for Trump’s VP race. And honestly, it’s the perfect choice. Because, why not add a little more volatile spice to the political jambalaya that is the United States?
I mean, Tom Cotton is so likable. So incredibly, overwhelmingly, universally adored. Said no one ever. The man’s about as charming as a root canal, but hey, he’s got the “I tell it like it is” vibe that just screams “Vice President of the United States.”
Here’s the thing – Tom Cotton probably wakes up every morning, looks in the mirror, and practices his “I’m serious” face like he’s auditioning for a role in a low-budget mafia movie. And now he’s supposed to be the guy standing one burrito-induced heart attack away from sitting in the big chair.
Why Tom Cotton, you ask?
Let’s not forget his resume. He’s got all the credentials: a Harvard degree, a stint in the military, and a personality that’s just one notch above a DMV clerk. If Trump’s looking for someone to balance out his wild, off-the-cuff style with a steady hand and unyielding authoritarian vibe, Cotton is the guy.
This is the man who once told Iran that any nuclear deal wouldn’t outlast the presidency. Not four minutes, not four quarters, four years. That’s the kind of optimistic foresight we need, right? Who’s worried about the next century when we can ruin it in one measly term?
Let’s not forget the fun medical advice.
Remember that time he suggested that Martial Law is just a fine dandy way to handle peaceful protesters? That’s like saying if your car is making a funny noise, the solution is to blow it up. Problem solved, right? If we can’t hear the complaints, they don’t exist. Feels like he’d be right at home in a dictatorship.
And since we’re speaking of Cotton’s greatest hits, let’s dip into his stance on immigration. The guy is so anti-immigration, I bet he glares at enchiladas. He’s got this grand vision of a wall that’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot. So, with him as VP, we can expect some groundbreaking changes, like maybe a moat with alligators around the White House for that extra medieval flair.
The charisma factor
Tom Cotton has all the charisma of a beige wall. It’s like choosing plain oatmeal as your vice president. Sure, it’s there, it’s functional, but does it spark joy? Does it make you feel inspired? Does it…do anything? No. It just sits there, occasionally reminding you of its presence with a dull, monotonous “meh.”
If Cotton becomes VP, we might have to invent new words to describe boredom. He could induce narcolepsy at a monster truck rally. That’s a unique skill set! And let’s be honest, if there’s one thing the Trump administration could benefit from, it’s a bit of calm, bland reassurance after all the excitement.
Tom Cotton’s public speaking: A wild ride
The man’s speeches are legendary. And by legendary, I mean, they put you in a coma. Cotton talking is like listening to paint dry while watching grass grow. I’m not saying his speechwriters need Red Bull and espresso shots just to stay awake, but I wouldn’t rule it out. His delivery is so wooden, it makes trees feel inadequate.
The verdict
At the end of the day, Tom Cotton as Trump’s VP pick is like adding mayonnaise to a sandwich made entirely of hot sauce. Sure, it’ll dampen the fire, but who wants that? If Trump’s the show, Cotton is the commercial break nobody asked for.
So, get ready America. If this ticket wins, we’re all set for the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime. By rollercoaster, I mean one of those kiddie ones that just goes in a circle and occasionally jerks to a halt. Buckle up, wear your helmets, and for the love of all that’s sane, stock up on Tylenol.
Cotton may not be the hero we need, but he’s certainly the sidekick we deserve. After all, he’s got what it takes to be Vice President – a pulse and the ability to hold a grudge for four to eight years. Welcome to the Cotton era. Grab some coffee because you’re going to need it.
