Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
You know, there’s nothing like a good sinking coastline to really ruin your week. Louisiana’s coast is disappearing faster than a politician’s promise after election day. You’d think the governor would be the first one to grab a life jacket. But no, the guy’s more interested in making sure he’s king of the underwater castle.
So, here we are. The coastline is sinking as though it has been taking swimming lessons from the Titanic. And what’s the governor doing? Playing environmental Twister with both feet firmly planted in financial interests and his head stuck up…well, use your imagination.
It’s like this guy woke up one day and said, You know what Louisiana needs? Less land and more water. That’s a winning strategy! Right, because the bustling underwater real estate market is all the rage these days. I mean, sure! Why vacation on a beautiful beach when you can snorkel in your backyard?
So, what exactly is he doing to save the coast? Instead of calling for urgent action, he’s giving a master class in bureaucratic procrastination. You’ve heard of Netflix & Chill? This guy’s Netflix & “Let’s Not Deal With It Until It Floats Away.” He might as well be selling property in Atlantis at this point.
And it’s not just him; his cronies are right behind him. They’re like a synchronized swimming team—except they’re all diving headfirst into the pool without checking if there’s any water in it first. Every time an advocate comes forward with a rational plan to save the coastline, these guys give them the middle finger salute. Oh, you have science and data? Cute. We have corporate donors and an aversion to reality.
Can we just take a moment to appreciate the audacity? Louisiana is losing land faster than a kid losing their iPhone down a storm drain, and these folks are out here treating it like a minor inconvenience. You know, like a paper cut or having to listen to someone chew loudly. This isn’t a minor irritation; it’s a freaking existential crisis!
Think about it. What’s going to happen when Louisiana becomes the New Atlantis? Do we start charging admission? Because I’m pretty sure the folks already living there didn’t sign up for a mermaid lifestyle. Is there a contingency plan, or are they just fiddling while Rome sinks? Or is that an upgrade package? For just $19.95 a month, get the exclusive Sinking Cities Experience!
The governor should be laser-focused on this like me on a tub of Ben & Jerry’s after a bad day. But no. It’s like he’s got his priorities from a magic 8-ball. Environmental issue? Ask again later. I’m convinced he’s got a wheel of misfortune in his office: Bureaucratic Delay? Spin the wheel!
Let’s not forget the advocates who aren’t just fighting against nature but also against a political climate that’s colder than my ex-wife’s heart. These champions of survival are doing everything short of installing giant bathroom plungers to stop the flood. And what do they get? A pat on the back and a swift kick to the curb. It’s like telling someone who’s drowning, Hey, have you tried not being in the water?
For the love of Neptune, man, do something! At this rate, fixing the coastline is going to take longer than winning a game of Monopoly. The only thing sinking faster than Louisiana is my faith in humanity. You’d have better luck negotiating with a brick wall—at least it wouldn’t actively make things worse.
You might be thinking, Oh Lewis, you’re just exaggerating. It can’t possibly be this bad. To which I respond: have you seen the news lately? At this point, I’m convinced that we’re all living in a giant performance art piece where the theme is How Low Can We Go?
So, Governor, if you’re listening—and I doubt you are—you’ve got to fix this. It’s not just for the love of shrimp po’boys and Mardi Gras. It’s because, sooner or later, people are going to need land to live on. And when the seas keep rising, all the hush money in the world isn’t going to keep your 1,000-watt smile afloat. The mermaids aren’t voting for you, pal.
To summarize, Louisiana’s coast is sinking, the advocates are yelling for help, and the governor is too busy doing a half-hearted dog paddle in a sea of special interests. It’s a tragedy wrapped in a satire, stuffed into a comedy routine, and sunk under a hundred feet of water. And the worst part? It’s not even a good punchline.
Source: Louisiana’s coast is sinking. Advocates say the governor is undermining efforts to save it.
