Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In the seemingly never-ending circus that is American politics, where the elephants and donkeys have a duopoly on the big top, a potential game-changer is sneaking up on the high wire. The debate on whether third-party candidates might just throw a spanner in the works of the 2024 presidential race has the political clairvoyants stumbling over their crystal balls.
In their latest act of soothsaying, the pundits at MSNBC have donned their robes and are looking at the stars—or more accurately, scrutinizing the polls—asking whether this could be the year of the independent dark horse. Here’s a radical thought: maybe the future leader of the free world could come from a party that doesn’t have an animal mascot?
The Breakdown
- Third Wheel’s the Charm?
- The idea that a third-party candidate could rise to prominence is about as believable as me giving up on single malt for Lent. Sure, it’s conceptually possible, but have you seen me with a whisky menu in hand?
- The idea that a third-party candidate could rise to prominence is about as believable as me giving up on single malt for Lent. Sure, it’s conceptually possible, but have you seen me with a whisky menu in hand?
- Rescue from the Two-Party Tango
- The white knights of the political sphere are supposedly riding in to save us from the monotonous two-step dance of the Democrats and Republicans. Because as we all know, when it comes to duopolies—or is it duopologies?—nothing breaks up the monotony like a spoiler who can’t win.
- The white knights of the political sphere are supposedly riding in to save us from the monotonous two-step dance of the Democrats and Republicans. Because as we all know, when it comes to duopolies—or is it duopologies?—nothing breaks up the monotony like a spoiler who can’t win.
- Polls: A Numbers Game or Numerical Voodoo?
- Polls are showing some vague hint of support for third-party candidates. These are the same polls that, in 2016, had all the predictive power of a Magic 8 Ball. But who knows? This time the stars might just align and pigs could get clearance for takeoff.
- Polls are showing some vague hint of support for third-party candidates. These are the same polls that, in 2016, had all the predictive power of a Magic 8 Ball. But who knows? This time the stars might just align and pigs could get clearance for takeoff.
- Financial Backing: A Unicorn Hunt
- Fundraising for these political underdogs is likened to a search for mythical creatures. We’ve all heard of Bigfoot, but have you ever met the Billionaire-Backed Third Party Candidate? Now that’s a rare beast.
- Fundraising for these political underdogs is likened to a search for mythical creatures. We’ve all heard of Bigfoot, but have you ever met the Billionaire-Backed Third Party Candidate? Now that’s a rare beast.
- Media Attention: The Silent Scream
- Getting media attention when you’re not a Dem or a Rep is like trying to get a vegan to talk about their diet. Sometimes they get a sidebar, or better yet, featured in a tragicomic sidebar about how they’re going to change everything.
- Getting media attention when you’re not a Dem or a Rep is like trying to get a vegan to talk about their diet. Sometimes they get a sidebar, or better yet, featured in a tragicomic sidebar about how they’re going to change everything.
The Counter
- Third Who?
- If you think a third-party candidate will save us, you might also believe that my next comedy tour will be sponsored by Zen Meditation Retreats. We all need a good fairy tale from time to time though, right?
- If you think a third-party candidate will save us, you might also believe that my next comedy tour will be sponsored by Zen Meditation Retreats. We all need a good fairy tale from time to time though, right?
- The Spoiler Effect: Political Cockblocking
- Third-party candidates tend to be seen as the spoilers. They’re like the guy at the bar who jumps into your conversation, laughs too loudly at the wrong time, and leaves everyone wondering where security is.
- Third-party candidates tend to be seen as the spoilers. They’re like the guy at the bar who jumps into your conversation, laughs too loudly at the wrong time, and leaves everyone wondering where security is.
- Vote Siphoning: A Theory in Political Vampire-ism
- Some say third-party candidates siphon votes away from major candidates, acting like political leeches. Meanwhile, the drained parties’ supporters are left wondering why they’re feeling so lightheaded this election cycle.
- Some say third-party candidates siphon votes away from major candidates, acting like political leeches. Meanwhile, the drained parties’ supporters are left wondering why they’re feeling so lightheaded this election cycle.
- The Butterfly Ballot of 2024
- In the confusion of the voting realm, where the butterfly ballot once reigned supreme, a third-party candidate might just be the next “hanging chad.” Attractions in the sideshow of electoral history, nothing more.
- In the confusion of the voting realm, where the butterfly ballot once reigned supreme, a third-party candidate might just be the next “hanging chad.” Attractions in the sideshow of electoral history, nothing more.
- Mainstream Malaise: The Comfort of Complacency
- When it comes to the mainstream political landscape, America loves to hate it as much as they fear change. The typical voter says they want options, then clings to the devil they know like a security blanket at naptime.
- When it comes to the mainstream political landscape, America loves to hate it as much as they fear change. The typical voter says they want options, then clings to the devil they know like a security blanket at naptime.
The Hot Take
In my saucy, liberal opinion, to shake up the titanic tussle between our political Goliaths, we need to inject a hearty dose of reality into the campaign bloodstream—preferably not something that would require medical intervention. Our salvation lies not in the hands of a third-party messiah but in the willingness to adopt a strong, concise, and equally sarcastic platform of radical common sense. Something so shocking in its clarity that it might just work: fairness in elections, political accountability, and—dare I say—a touch more humanity.
