Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Yeah, you read that right. Apparently, Trump’s master plan after being convicted is to exact revenge. Seriously? This guy is now running a vendetta campaign like he’s some B-movie villain. It’s like someone spliced together “Mean Girls” and “The Godfather” and then decided to make it real life. Who needs fiction when you have reality this ridiculous?
First of all, let’s dig into the idea of a convicted former president seeking vengeance. Can you imagine George Washington plotting revenge against King George III? Or Lincoln taking down John Wilkes Booth’s acting troupe posthumously? “You thought that bullet was bad? Wait till I close your one-man show!”
Trump going full Scarface after a conviction feels more like a mid-life crisis than a masterstroke in political strategy. Or maybe he’s auditioning for a new role on Netflix: “Orange is the New Orange.” Seriously, I think the only thing more absurd would be if he started carrying around a bass guitar, joined a punk rock band, and started singing songs about electoral fraud. I’d pay to see that. Who wouldn’t? Maybe call the band ‘The Hanging Chads.’
Look, I get it. He’s mad. But you can’t treat the country like it’s an episode of “The Apprentice.” You don’t get to just scream ‘You’re Fired!’ at democracy. It doesn’t work that way. Or at least, it shouldn’t. Can you picture it? Trump walking into a courtroom with a briefcase full of McDonald’s, glowering at the judge, and saying ‘I have one word for you… revenge.’
Revenge on who, exactly? The American people for voting? The judiciary for doing its job? The ghost of Richard Nixon for setting the bar too high? This isn’t “Kill Bill” and no one’s running around with a katana sword. What’s he gonna do? Sue freedom of speech for defamation?
Maybe he’ll challenge Joe Biden to a duel. I’d say pistols at dawn, but let’s be real, their secret service details wouldn’t let it happen and Dawn might have to file a restraining order. Instead, it’ll be cryptic tweets at midnight. “Sleepy Joe, more like Nappin’ Joe. Wait till I plant some fake news about you!”
It’s like this revenge plan is born from a bad Mad Libs session. “Convicted Ex-President Plans Vengeance on [insert noun].” What’s next, a Trump soap opera? “As the World Tweets”?
At this rate, the news headline should read ‘Trump Plots Imaginative Revenge Based on Self-Help Book He Never Finished.’ Did he get the idea from watching Marvel movies? “Thanos did it, and look how that turned out!” Dude needs to remember that when you snap your fingers, half the universe doesn’t disappear, just maybe half of your Twitter followers.
Society could pitch in! How about a GoFundMe for creative revenge ideas? The problem isn’t the money; it’s the ideas. How about sending opponents glitter bombs? Or perhaps legally changing his name to ‘Chump’—it’s catchy, and the base wouldn’t even notice. Let’s get Bill Murray to reprise his role in Groundhog Day but this time instead of living the same day repeatedly, he’s perpetually dodging Trump’s ‘revenge plan,’ slice by slice. It’s bound to be a hit!
But seriously, folks. When a former president goes on a revenge tour instead of a lecture tour, it might be time to re-evaluate how you elect leaders. Or just a good time to stock up on popcorn, because you know the antics are going to be top-tier entertainment. One of the prerequisites for running for office should be a psych eval. If you’re plotting vengeance after losing, maybe just maybe you shouldn’t be left alone in a room with sharp objects, much less the nuclear codes.
Just imagine the daily shenanigans: Trump firing cannonballs of pettiness into the political arena. “Watch out Mitch McConnell! Here comes a vicious tweetstorm!” Twitter is the new battlefield, and Trump’s arsenal? Nonsensical hashtags, ALL CAPS and unapologetic typos. “Beware the ides of March, Mitch? More like beware the tweets of Trump!”
It’s a real shame Shakespeare didn’t live to see this. He’d have had a field day! “Et tu, Pence?”
His revenge could be productive, though. Like releasing an album with sweet, sweet tunes of grievance. Songs like “I Did It My Way (Except the Laws Part)” and “Tweet Dreams Are Made of This.” Even collaborate with Kanye—two volatile egos on the same track! Someone needs to call Rolling Stone, that’s front-page gold.
The ultimate revenge? Being a footnote in history for showing future generations how not to run a country. That’s the legacy. Instead of seeking redemption or just chilling out, we get revenge tours and social media meltdowns. I’m telling you, it’s like a crossover episode of “Veep” and “Jerry Springer.”
In closing, as the endless circus of American politics continues, remember kids, revenge might be sweet but it’s not a good dessert course after democracy. So, grab your popcorn, sit back, and prepare for the Trump Show: Four More Years of… Oh, Who Are We Kidding?
